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CarboN x Spider

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short story (need feedback)
« on: March 01, 2014, 05:12:44 AM »
at my school we have a short story competition and i decided to enter this year and i would like to share my story on here to get more feed back so after reading it if you could just say if you liked it or what to improve on :D
thanks in advance -BluR Legendz-
                                                             
Spoiler for Hidden Content:
Chapter 1
Followers
They were following me again, I tried to evade them. On the next corner I will hide in the nearby alleyway and hope they won’t spot me, I thought to myself as I turned the corner a tall man stood, blocking the way. The man looked at me and grabbed my shoulder and held me in place. The two people following me appeared and with a large grin pulled out a needle. As I focused on their faces and saw that they were twins: they both had identical black hair that covered their eyes and had pale faces.
“Boy come with us.” The man said in a deep voice,
“Wh...Who are you?” The man grabbed me and pulled me away “No let me go!” I shouted but it was too late, the man held my arm and stuck the needle in it the green liquid inside was pumped into my arm and I let out a shriek as it burned then blackness took over.
I woke in a room, it had light blue walls and the light I had from the window showed that there was a door to my left.
“HELP! HELP!” I shouted but no-one could hear me. I tried to move my arms but they were tied to the back of the chair I was on, as I shifted my weight the chair wobbled a loose leg that could be useful I thought to myself. I began to swing on the chair hoping it would topple over but just before it was going to fall a dark figure walked in.
“Do you know why I’m here?” he said in a familiar voice,
“That voice, who are you?” I said trying not to show fear.
“I ASK THE QUESTIONS!” He shouted in a rage, “Now, do you know why you’re here?” he asked again,
“No I don’t.” I said stubbornly,
“Well you should, if you can remember a few weeks ago a man walked up to you and said the following words. Next time it shall be you, do you remember that?”
“Yes but he was just a crazy fool of the street.”
“No he was a messenger.” The man now looked me in the eyes.
“I don’t know what you need but I’m not staying here!” I said, this time in an angry voice. The man leaned forwards and gave me a glare, he was about to speak but before he opened his mouth I head-butted him sending him into a dazed state. I tipped the chair over and kicked the loose leg snapping it off then I pulled on the rope until I got one hand free, by this time the man was ready for me so I had the think fast. I got my other hand free and grabbed the broken chair leg, as the man ran at me with a roar I stepped to the side in a quick motion and brought the chair leg down on his head. The man hit the floor hard with another roar this time a roar of pain. I hit him again in the head and ran out of the room quickly. I was in a small house and at the end of the hall was the exit I just had to hope it was open. I ran to the door and slammed hard against it but it was locked,
“Damn!” I shouted and to make things worse the man was waking up. In the room next to the door I saw a window and ran towards it, instead of checking if it was open I leapt through it. The glass smashed easily cutting my arms and face to shreds. I opened my eyes to see I was in a forest; the wind was cold and bitter. The door flew open behind me and the man stepped out, his face dripping with blood
“Get ’ere you!” he shouted with a voice full of obvious rage,
“What do you want with me?” I shouted back, as I slowly edged to the forest. Instead of answering he pulled out a long silver knife and pointed it at me. I turned and ran into the forest, the man chased me but couldn’t catch up. I swerved around the trees jumping over fallen logs and rocks.
Just as I thought I had lost the man the twins came out from two of the trees in fount of me and in identical chilling voices said at the same time, “The beast needs fed.”     
“Wha…” I said confused then I ran into the twins knocking them down, I ran again. After couple minutes of running the tree line came into view. A smile grew on my face. As I kept on running I saw cars fly passed so I guessed I was near a main road. As I got out of the dense forest I saw that the road now was empty and the cars he had seen where too far away to see him.
“Damn I hope more cars come soon I don’t want those crazy guys chasing me.” I said glancing back at me
I decided to run along the road to see if I can spot cars coming towards me then I would try and get their attention, so I ran for about a mile and still no cars came so I slowed to a walk. After about an hour of waiting a blue ford came down the road,
“HEY OVER HERE!” I shouted, but the car drove passed me after another couple of minutes two cars came down the road one red and one green I shouted hoping to get one of their attention but to my surprise both pulled up. Now I just had to choose which one to go in.

Chapter 2
Good and bad
The cars both waited for me to choose one and I could hear sharp breaths behind me, I ran to the green car and the driver looked at me with a smile.
“Hello there, what you doing all the way out here?” He asked in a concerned voice
“Please just drive, a man and two twins were chasing me!” I said in a loud voice.
The green car set of down the road. After half an hour of driving the drive asked me where I was going.
“Home, in west…” The car stopped suddenly the driver screamed and looked at me.
“Who are they?” He said in a frightened voice. As I looked at where the driver was looking I saw the man and his twins standing in the road with a dead body in front of them. I got out of the car and ran to the body, tears rolling down my face.
“Mum!” I said hoping she was just unconscious, “Mum!” I shouted. Then I turned my attention to the man and with all my rage built up inside me I ran at him tackling him to the ground, then I punched him in the face again and again the twins looking at me and him in confusion.
“Get him!” he shouted and the twins ripped me off him and put a knife to my throat then the man got up and pulled a gun out of his pants. He walked over the driver and put a bullet in his head.
“This is your fault!” he shouted in rage, “This wouldn't have happened he wouldn't be dead if you just stayed still!” he continued shouting almost in tears now. “Now it’s coming for us all and you have doomed us if you just stayed and let the beast feed!” the man was almost in tears now, he pointed the gun at the twins and shot them both before they could react. “Look what you have done I had to kill them to save them!” he looked back at me, “but you I will let the beast have..”
“What is this beast?” I shouted back
“The beast is…” he was cut off by a roar that shook the earth, “Ha-ha is the beast!” he shouted over the roar. The man ran to the green car and drove off swerving all over the road. I stood there in fear as a giant, black shadow flew over me and roared again, it looked down at me and landed a short distance away. I was about to run as the beast stomped with its front foot, knocking me down. It ran at me with a roar and I screamed for help but I knew no-one was coming to save me. Then the beast pounced on me.
« Last Edit: March 02, 2014, 02:10:22 AM by BluR Legendz »

K1dKill3RzZ

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Re: short story (need feedback)
« Reply #1 on: March 08, 2014, 04:35:52 AM »
I like this story. A few grammar mistakes but if you fix them, this was a really good story!
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You got all the way here just for this?

Cloud 9

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Re: short story (need feedback)
« Reply #2 on: April 02, 2014, 11:00:37 AM »
Quick question: how old are you?

CarboN x Spider

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Re: short story (need feedback)
« Reply #3 on: April 02, 2014, 11:40:24 AM »
Quick question: how old are you?
I am 15, why?

Cloud 9

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Re: short story (need feedback)
« Reply #4 on: April 02, 2014, 02:22:36 PM »
Your age determines how critical I am of your story (the legitimacy of the contest increases with age, therefore I try to be critical in accordance to the age range). It's a bit brief, and there's too much left unresolved. Plus, way too much happens in such a short amount of time. Take some time and dowse the reader in the dark and eerie atmospheres that you only touch upon. Trust me, when you write a short story, it is critical that you leave an impression on the reader. I don't know exactly what I got out of this. No offense to your writing; it's not bad at all. In fact, the story has a lot of potential. You need to do some revisions though. The most glaring fault being the clunky dialogue. Most of the time, it feels like pointless chatter to fill dead air.
« Last Edit: April 02, 2014, 02:31:36 PM by Cloud 9 »

CarboN x Spider

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Re: short story (need feedback)
« Reply #5 on: April 02, 2014, 02:32:20 PM »
Your age determines how critical I am of your story. It's a bit brief, and there's too much left unresolved. Plus, way too much happens in such a short amount of time. Take some time and dowse the reader in the dark and eerie atmospheres that you only touch upon. Trust me, when you write a short story, it is critical that you leave an impression on the reader. I don't know exactly what I got out of this. No offense to your writing; it's not bad at all. In fact, the story has a lot of potential. You need to do some revisions though. The most glaring fault being the clunky dialogue. Most of the time, it feels like pointless chatter to fill dead air.
I have started an actual story that i mainly work on at school, taking a while because i am thinking of the best possible story line and how things work out once its done i will post a preview here and if it gets good reviews i may post the whole thing. Thanks for your input and the stuff you have said i shall take onboard.