Author Topic:  Lore Tales - The adventures of Ravenclaw, Aerios, Calum, and Vathl.  (Read 712 times)

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Brother Claw

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Chapter One
Chaos Erupts
"It's finally time. I'm taking over Ashtown." Ravenclaw exclaimed in his throne room, decorated with skulls and red banners.
"There is something going on," Calum whispered to himself in his throne room, decorated with helmets, statues and yellow banners. "I feel something erupting from Skullholme, and it's advancing towards Ashtown."
At that time, Both Ravenclaw and Calum sent their forces to Ashtown. One was attacking, one was defending. Both rulers led their armies to victory. They did not know what they were going into.
Both forces eventually were weakened to a small portion of their forces.
Suddenly, fire erupted from the town. But it was no normal fire. It was a purple flame - unusual for this planet called 'Lore.' It changed people into monsters covered in eyes, purple, and much more.
Neither forces won. It had fallen to another force - Chaos, as some may call it. Others may call it Corruption. Some even call it Chaorruption. No matter what it was called, it was powerful. A large beam of purple light erupted from the Guardian's Tower.
A man flew out from the beam, dressed in purple, heavy armour that no man would ever leave a dent in.
"I am Vathl - Your new ruler of Lore!" He exclaimed. In an instant, he destroyed the town into rubble. Houses destroyed, innocent lives turned into demons, history burned... He didn't care. He wanted to see destruction.
When Vathl was done, when he left, a man rose from the rubble, dressed in light armour.
"I am Aerios," he said quietly. "Your savior. I shall defeat Vathl and his minions, and save this world from his grasp."

Want more stories? Stay tuned! Please leave constructive criticism.

GoatOnTheMoon

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Maybe some backstory?

Brother Claw

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Character backstory or just motives for attacking the town? I can post both if needed.

GoatOnTheMoon

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Character backstory or just motives for attacking the town? I can post both if needed.

You insert a lot of names of people and places with no real story behind them. Just a thought ;)

Bluepudding the don

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You should've spent more time on this.
Former names: 2pac of pudding, Blueberries for all

Jack Of Shades

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As a storyteller myself, I can say you can do much better. Background, storyline, cohesive character creation/histories all help with the narrative. If you can build those elements up, this story could be great.

Platinum Dryym

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Aside from what the others have said, My biggest tip is to try to avoid the wall of text. It looks daunting, And it makes it hard to keep your place at times.

As a storyteller myself, I can say you can do much better. Background, storyline, cohesive character creation/histories all help with the narrative. If you can build those elements up, this story could be great.

Dоes a storyteller have any insight on my story?
« Last Edit: June 01, 2016, 07:14:57 PM by Dryym »

Creator of the term "Deathmine "
Jared [19|Oct 07:12 PM]: "It changes everything" Dryym

PWRBTTN

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Re: Lore Tales - The adventures of Ravenclaw, Aerios, Calum, and Vathl.
« Reply #7 on: June 01, 2016, 08:12:29 AM »
Aside from what the others have said, My biggest tip is to try to avoid the wall of text. It looks daunting, And it makes it hard to keep your place at times.

As a storyteller myself, I can say you can do much better. Background, storyline, cohesive character creation/histories all help with the narrative. If you can build those elements up, this story could be great.

Does a storyteller have any insight on my story?
I would agree. Break that into a couple paragraphs, and it'd be much more enjoyabke to read.
/snail       /snail    /snail         /snail /snail      /snail   /snail                /snail        

Jack Of Shades

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Re: Lore Tales - The adventures of Ravenclaw, Aerios, Calum, and Vathl.
« Reply #8 on: June 01, 2016, 03:24:37 PM »
Does a storyteller have any insight on my story?
My apologies for responding late, I have not read it yet. Been busy with college and such, but send me a link to the one you want me to read and I'll let you know. :)

PWRBTTN

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Re: Lore Tales - The adventures of Ravenclaw, Aerios, Calum, and Vathl.
« Reply #9 on: June 01, 2016, 10:04:19 PM »
Does a storyteller have any insight on my story?
My apologies for responding late, I have not read it yet. Been busy with college and such, but send me a link to the one you want me to read and I'll let you know. :)
http://totalminerforums.net/index.php?topic=16981.0 This is the one Dryym is talking about.
/snail       /snail    /snail         /snail /snail      /snail   /snail                /snail